December 2017:
We were sitting in a Panera in Birmingham, and I was sipping on black coffee, staring out the window...
I told her, "I wanted them to know from the beginning why I was unqualified..." and like a song I had sung a million times by heart, I just spit out five reasons faster than she was able to digest them all.
"Wait, wait. Go back. Now what?", she reached across the table and grabbed my pen and opened up my journal to a clean lined page...
Pen to paper she said, "Can you repeat those? Reasons you're unqualified?"
As thick as peanut butter, as smooth as Nat King Cole’s voice on an old scratchy Christmas record, the words spilled out off my lips as I repeated the five reasons (lies) I've come up with for WHY I am unqualified.
Unqualified for what?
Unqualified for anything.
Anything worth going after, pursuing or having a chance at. To carry to term what I know God has placed inside of me.
But at this particular moment I was thinking about the guy I had recently spent time with and so, it was pertaining to why I was unqualified to be loved again or have a relationship worth pursuing.
...that's what I was thinking about.
And So I repeated:
I'm 33.
I'm divorced.
I've had an abortion.
I didn't go to college.
I'm not pretty enough.
I’m laughing as I type, because I mean, the thought of that to others makes people literally laugh out loud. From the hilarity of hearing that a girl like me not only counts ANY of this against me, but then to top if off with pure vanity just makes this so much more ridiculous.
What lies, what tricks, what FEAR was spewing out of my mouth.
How could God ever use a girl like me?
{12 Months Later}
December 2018:
I wonder what Mary was thinking when Gabriel the Angel told her she was pregnant, with a baby, and not only that... but the baby was going to be the Savior of the whole world.
The first thing he responded to: her FEAR
"Do not be afraid Mary, for you have found favor with the Lord"
Maybe she thought, "wait what?! How could God use a girl like me?"
Maybe she had her own 5 reasons:
I'm a teenager.
I'm a virgin.
I am not an important person in society.
I'm engaged, and Joseph is going to flip out.
I'm not perfect.
She asked Gabriel "how can this be? I'm a virgin..."
But it doesn't matter what she was, God had a plan.
Through the prying open of hands and the laying down of cares, I am more free now than I have ever been. I learned of Mary's response at this overwhelming call on her life to carry the child who would end up saving the world:
"Here I am, the Lord’s humble servant. As you have said, let it be done to me."
December 2018: that response has been my verse this year. "Here I am, the Lord’s humble servant. As you have said, let it be done to me." The only reason I am qualified to fulfill the call is because of Jesus, that little baby who became the Savior of the world and the fact He turned my life around.
He is the reason I am now in the race.
Those 5 reasons, through His very GRACE, are actually what makes me qualified...
I haven't had an angel show up and give me news, but I have had a "knowing" in my belly for a long, long time.
Because I have been burned in the fires of a broken marriage, because I have faced the heartache and shame of abortion, because I feel like I've missed the boat over and over again, and never experienced 4 years of college life, because I am beautiful in the world's eyes but still fight the spirit of vanity and insecurity,
I AM QUALIFIED.
Isn't it wild that God loves us so much that He won't just fix things,
but He will make us BRAND NEW?!
He will gut us from the inside out and build-out the ULTIMATE Fixer Upper...
Isaiah said about the Messiah who would come years later:
" Hope of all hopes, dream of our dreams,
a child is born, sweet-breathed; a son is given to us: a living gift.
And even now, with tiny features and dewy hair, He is great.
His name? His name we’ll know in many ways—
He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father,
Master of Wholeness, Prince of Peace.
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His leadership will bring such prosperity as you’ve never seen before—
sustainable peace for all time...
What if Mary believed the lies that she was unqualified?
What if she cared what everyone in the town thought, knowing she would be "misunderstood" for being pregnant without being married or face potential rejection from her family?
The calling was too great, and she wasn't really ready.
What if!?
The story is too great to even think about WHAT IF... a world without the Wonderful Counselor, the Prince of Peace...
He came to earth for us, and through a young girl who was hand picked by the God of the Universe.
Your calling is divine and timely.
It is only for you, and all He asks is you to be willing to say yes to the next step no matter being misunderstood or facing potential rejection.
It is your YES that will ripple through eternity and impact this generation.
As I carry this dream and vision full term, and continue to live out the divine purpose for my life, I have decided to turn my face from fear and let God bring this thing full term.
I have already faced the towns people and I know it's going to get even crazier.
Thank God I'm not perfect, because that would be worse.
Say YES to God, do not be afraid, for He will use you in this grand story, ready or not.
Love, Haley
Ps. That little girl is my beautiful niece Emery.
I'm not pregnant with a baby, just with a dream.